lately i have felt that my heart is very full, pretty confused, locked too tight where it is. dumb? i don’t know. overwhelming, for sure. i just have so many feelings.
feelings that i must blog about.
whatever, well, bottom line, there was an earthquake in southern illinois this past week, the aftershocks of which were felt from indianapolis to st louis to chicago and everywhere in between, and i’m bummed i missed it, i am bummed i’m missing legitimate springtime that i’m used to, i’m bummed that i’m missing every stupid event like my sister’s cat having kittens, my brother’s new puppy, flunk day at knox, being around enthusiastic baseball fans, et cetera ad nauseum. i am a profoundly boring person and, most importantly, just endlessly childish. these are facts. the amounts and balance of boringness and selfishness in my brain are criminally underestimated and super fucked up, respectively.
REGARDLESS.
i do feel much too connected to here to just leave or even consider leaving without a second thought — i think the small fact that i never actually remember that i am in north carolina or trying to do something so different from anything i was doing nine months ago says a lot about how ultimately comfortable i am in my surroundings. i don’t want to leave, i don’t want to fail, i don’t want to be upset all the time. i’d rather have things fixed than abandoned, but the prospect of repairing my psyche and rocky relationship with library school at the same time seems like such a colossal undertaking at this point. i know i can do it, though, because sometimes i just honestly doubt if i could ever feel any more heartbroken than i am this spring.
north carolina smells really good in the springtime, though — i drove out to durham the back way yesterday night, avoiding 15-501 in the rain with my car window down, simultaneously admiring the wisteria and checking for wayward deer. i got very emotional on that drive, thinking about jolie holland and a lot of other things that would be pretty dumb of me to talk at length about in a public forum. but all i can say about that, i guess, is that because i have intense warm weather sense memories, i end up being totally leveled by crap i haven’t cared about for years, feeling like my well-being has been punched in the gut and face 100,000 times.
anyway, even though it was awfully nice to rewatch my favorite episodes of gilmore girls while succumbing to crippling waves of depression, it was also good to get out of my house. and i had a pretty rad dinner with pretty rad dudes on top of it. pitchers of sangria never hurt anything, either, and neither does finding out that you (me) are by far not the only one in town who had to take out such a killer amount of student loans for grad school. i actually almost fell out of my chair in relief when i heard about that. that probably makes me a bigger jerk than i really am. which is a pretty big jerk.
while i realize that having a blog thing on the internet is a crazy self-aggrandizing venture to begin with, i still feel really stupid talking about myself this much and keep swearing to not do it next time. well, it’s next time, and here i am! in full force. maybe next time.
