only too much is enough 08 019 2008

since we last spoke, grownup blog, some small happenings have happened. first, i cut bangs into my hair for the first time in years, i guess. i have thought of myself as having bangs since 2004, when i got an important haircut (it is pictured here grown out a little bit), but i have realized that having the shortest part of my hair falling longer than my chin is not really bangs. it is fake bangs. fangs. i was fooling myself. so, in spite of some justified apprehensions, and spurred in part by PANTS MOVIE: 2 — a film whose cinematic fortitude is greatly overshadowed by the lustrous beauty of each of the hairs on the ensemble cast’s head — i cut like five inches off my fangs and now am a legit part of the banged multitudes yet again.

additionally, i got a dog.

her name is josie pancakes and she sleeps most of the time and waking or sleeping she is a main source of joy in my life. what a beautiful baby!

on a different but probably more typical note, i fell asleep watching laguna beach last night and feeling a whole lot of feelings. i’m STRUGGLIN. i don’t know what it is but lately i’ve been feeling everything ultra-deeply, tiny things to big things, just getting really emotional about everything. i don’t know how to explain it. i don’t think it’s The Depression because man what a bummer that was and this is different, or at least some kind of milder and more comprehensive iteration of it. frankly i like not being medicated because the whole thing, however long it lasted (not that long) ended up weirding me out, but i don’t know if that’s the best decision, i guess. who can say. all i know is that i cried a little bit when my brothers left for college yesterday when i definitely didn’t cry when i moved out and went to college, i was overwhelmed with emotions about laguna beach — god damn — and when i accidentally saw a recent picture of someone who used to be real important to me (i guess that’s as vague as it gets!) i felt like i’d been punched in the stomach and really couldn’t breathe correctly for a little while. it’s not just bummer things, either, because i think that whenever i go outside i get so filled with contentment and relief about where i am and how beautiful and wonderful missouri is to me that it literally brings tears to my eyes. i think i’ve always been this way, but the amplification, however slight, is just a weird new thing and probably has a lot to do with me being at an Important Crossroads, et cetera — it just is like i have been given all these new things and i don’t have room for them yet but i think maybe i will soon. i also have had a lot of time on my hands recently and really miss my job, which thankfully starts back up again tomorrow.

anyway, my parents are out of town taking my brothers to school and so it’s just me and my sister until tomorrow night. i feel very grown up and housewifey and weird, getting up at 6am in order to take my sister to school, brewing coffee and sitting around watching morning tv, making sure the dogs are fed, making lists, eating shredded wheat (not even frosted shredded wheat — this is important) waiting for it to be 9am so i can run errands. i also took out the trash and realized the possibility that i have solved my pitbull’s tiny housetraining problem — she basically POOPS ON COMMAND now. outside! she is perfect.

hello, internet. 07 09 2008

it’s been a while, internet. of course a lot of things have happened since i last updated this biz, and i think i mostly just didn’t know what to say for a long time. i probably still don’t, and still have a lot of feelings that have come and gone and some that remain unresolved, but here’s the main scoop:

1) dropping out of library school was a pretty good plan. i felt like i was giving up my dream for a while, then i went through this thing where i felt really stupid and impatient, but i was tired of waiting for the real thing to start. i felt really stifled by the idea of getting a library degree, having to do that before i could do anything else, and probably most of all i was just tired of being a student. a lot of things were weighing on me when i made the decision to take a break, things that influenced me to do it more than i would have otherwise, but overall it was a good thing to do.

2) i moved back to st louis and promptly got a job at a beautiful library, the kind of job that i was really longing for when i was in north carolina. i feel good about what i’m doing and already am fiercely loyal to where i work. i also have a new love in ILL and have learned how to make really bomb photocopies, which i realize is a stupid thing, but i always felt secretly bad about myself because i always made such awful copies, so there. i also really, really, really love MOBIUS and am unapologetic about this.

3) while i miss a lot of things about north carolina, i feel very good about being back in the midwest. i don’t know what it is, but i think that my heart is here no matter what i do and where i go. i am kind of obsessed with my own life, and am so grateful for all of the friends i have everywhere, but it’s been pretty nice to kind of take a breather from hanging out, from drinking and parties and focus on things like my family and my job. and, well, st louis is a beautiful place and i’m glad i get the chance to re-realize that every day.

4) i still have a lot of free time (which is kind of a bummer) and so i’ve taken the opportunity to keep abreast of things going on in the world. LIKE: lindsay lohan and samantha ronson, fox news vs. the rest of the media, the NL central and the anheuser busch takeover. and i am really very excited about mamma mia.

4) unrelated to pretty much anything else, i really think that i am slowly becoming a dog person. i. love. dogs. my brother has this beautiful pit bull that i am completely in love with. she is the funniest, sweetest thing in the whole world and constantly makes me want to bust out my long list of reasons why dogs are better than babies (or most humans, for that matter).