rod stewart is my latest obsession, and i won’t start writing about him because i probably really wouldn’t be able to stop. what a fascinating dude, though.
i mean, kind of.
way back when in the now before now 03 031 2008
i’m having a lot of trouble with my blogging loyalty, a thing that i think about a lot. it’s probably pretty apparent to anyone who knows me that i am really, really into livejournal, and my heart contains the most unique unconquerable love for that site, but because it is so easy to have private space there — it’s just going to stay my private space.
so there is this, which is something that i made last summer when i was hanging out in galesburg after graduating from college. i lived with cats and took pictures of them. i wanted to have a photoblog, or whatever, before i kind of realized that the effort i put into flickr pretty much made it a photoblog in its own right. now it is gonna be my grown-up blog.
blog blog blog.
it’s been really rainy here lately, which is really good and not only some of my favorite weather, but also does something to quell the exxxtreme drought going on here in the american south. however, weather like this does nothing for my motivation to, like, get out of my bed for a significant amount of time, hang out outside, wear any kind of clothing i’d be comfortable with a normal person seeing me in, et cetera. it also provides me with unwarranted time to think about my life and wallow in some really rad feelings.
in short:
a recent trip to the midwest completely destroyed me. when i was there, i was thrilled out of my damn mind, really thought i was going to die, and cried like a child. then, and especially since, i just felt very, very young. what the hell am i trying to do to myself?
of course i’m not saying that it’s never a good idea for people to go to graduate school right out of college, or even that a person who is two months into their twenty-second year is not totally capable of shifting their whole life a thousand miles east, dedicating their life to a career, starting all over, broke and alone — just that i don’t think i was ready for it. honestly, i still don’t know if i’ve (for realsies) come to terms with the magnitude of it. the adventure was fucking beautiful but now the reality is driving me nuts: at this rate, i’m going to have a professional master’s degree before i turn twenty-four years old. combine that with the fact that i still feel, oh, around fifteen years old in my brain most of the time, and i just feel like i’m in trouble. i’ve never once, not ever, questioned my desire to Be A Librarian; i’ve questioned the methods, sure, and learned a lot on the way, but it’s a really big thing to learn that it’s okay to take detours and not have everything fall perfectly into place all the time. for someone who lives her life all loosey-goosey anyway, it’s sure taken me a really, really long time to figure that last part out for myself.
so i don’t know what’s going to happen. maybe i’ll move back to the midwest, maybe i’ll stay here and tough it out. i hate giving up, but what i hate more than that is being upset all the time. north carolina is such a beautiful place and i’ve met incredible people here that i love with everything in my bones, and if i leave i will miss it. especially the basketball.
in the meantime, i’m trying a little bit to cultivate a midwestern accent. i never really thought i had one, but lately i’ve been hearing it in my vowels and getting really excited. it’s a main source of joy in my life.
